So…I need therapy. I used to be able to write my frustrations but right
now the blank white screen is intimidating, again. I just want to scream.
Since when did my own emotions and thoughts become so overbearing, too much
that a frantic writing session can’t solve? Why do words lack me except
in my head or shouted out with my voice, and even then.... I just want to
get these thoughts and feelings out. I want someone to listen, to know and
understand, and help. I think more than anything I just want someone to
understand. And not at all in a sympathetic way, but I want someone to
truly converse with who knows my inner most thoughts and dreams even before
I say them aloud. I want sincere and all-knowing understanding that a
simple stare says all the words in the world and sums up everything
that’s in me. Sadly, I’ve come to realize that this is an impossible
expectation and yet I still yearn.
I feel like I grapple with ordinary every day. The mundane eats at my
insides yet I contribute to it. I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like
a whale squeezed into a tiny goldfish bowl though obviously I’m too big.
So, really, all the bowl is doing is serving as a very difficult and
impossible task and a hard pain in my ass. I wonder how this happens;
how is it that my personality is destined for greater but my body is not?
How is it that I have this over-abundance of thoughts and emotions that
only, quite simply, scare people (even myself at times) yet that I know
I’m meant to have them even though no one knows what to do about them?
What is the purpose? I wish I can just call on God and he’d appear in
front of me like a Great Guide and I could see and touch his face and he
would give me the answers I seek and then he would blink every struggle
away with a single bat of his eyelids (if God has a face and eyelids, that
is…).
Why do I insist on dragging meaning out of everything? Why do simple
things make me happy? Why do simple things also make me mad or sad? Why,
why, WHY? The grass is green. The sun is warm. I play with his fingers
when I hold his hand. I stare in his eyes. I lay naked on a cotton
comforter. I open the window to let sunlight in. I turn up the music. I
smile at my favorite song. Every song is my favorite. It reminds me of
life, of love, of home. I love life. Love is everything. “Why?” is
always my question and the simple answer really is “Because.” It
exists to exist. You love by loving, you live by living. What you believe
is what you know. That is both faith and knowing combined. Knowing and
Faith is the same thing.
I wonder if I sound insane, or if I’ve stumbled upon a truth. I wonder,
if it’s true, how long it takes others to find it. Does anyone ever find
truth? Is truth definite or is it all just perception? Tainted a little
each time with each new pair of eyes looking upon it…like the Bible. So
much perception. Is perception the same as insight? Is insight the same
as knowing? I guess so, since, knowing is faith. Everything is faith.
Even love. Even life.
I’m thinking a huge debate would be going on right now if many were to
read this. Some would say “Yes, definitely needs therapy.” Others
would say, “No, not therapy, she needs church.” Maybe I need both, or
neither. Answers would be nice, but then mundane would settle in even
thicker than before. And probably sadness, too. I just want….
I want someone to listen. And not just a friendly ear to hear my troubles.
I want someone who makes me a part of them and understands. I want to not
feel so alone. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends and family with lots
of things in common. But I still feel as if, well, I feel too much. I
think too much. I want someone who not only understands and respects that
but falls in awe of it and can’t get enough and is the same way. This, I
have realized, is too much to ask as it seems impossible…and yet I still
yearn.
Always and Forever,
Shy Lee Zephyr
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Indy, Mac and Tosh
Here is a prime example of the difference between men and women (or maybe just the difference between me and my boyfriend):
Lately, I’ve been starting to feel dragged down by work and that this summer is just passing me by way too quickly. I haven’t the slightest glow of a tan nor have I been swimming or to the beach at all! I feel like I haven’t done anything fun…and before I know it snow will barricade me indoors soon. So, on my last day off I FINALLY didn’t have anything planned and even though I should have cleaned our bedroom and the apartment a little and do laundry, I decided to skip it. I always do what I have to; why can’t I do something I want for once (oh yea, besides that feeling of guilt and laziness later...)?
So I called up one of my best gal pals and we decided to treat ourselves out to lunch. Problem was we’re sick of every restaurant and food choice that our town presented. So we drove an hour away to Madison and had Red Robin. Gourmet burgers and sweet and sour margaritas hit the spot. We then made another spur-of-the-moment decision: we stopped at Shopko and bought some chocolate and girly magazines (Complete Woman and Cosmo) and then proceeded to drive to the Wisconsin Dells…at 7pm in the afternoon.
As you can guess, all outdoor water parks were shut down and so were the duck tours. Some indoor pools were open but we would have had to purchase day passes to get in…for $40...each…at 8pm…I don’t think so. So we just walked up and down the main Dells area past Noah’s Ark and some other parks and hotels and just enjoyed the lights and the people. We decided to stop in a little souvenir shop and browse and maybe get something so we wouldn’t feel like this trip was a total waste. I walked in the door and fell in love…with a large tank of baby turtles. Above the tank was a sign that read “Free Turtles” and I got my hopes up a little until I saw that you have to purchase a starter kit for about $30 and then you can get a second turtle for only $10 (which if the turtles are “free” when I buy the $30 kit shouldn’t I get to choose how many damn turtles I want to take home without paying extra? Whatever…). I thought about it. Should I spend the money? Would it live long? Where would I put it? And then I just stopped and watched them swim in the tank while some bathed in the light on top of a rock. I called over a clerk and said I’ll take one. You only live once.
This “starter kit” of theirs I paid $30 for was a tiny plastic tank (like cheap ones you’d win at a fair or get in the toys section of Wal Mart to capture bugs) with a skimpy layer of blue pebbles at the bottom and half filled with water and a very tiny Ziploc baggy full of turtle food pellets. They didn’t give me much information either besides showing me what the actual food container looks like and told me to only feed him once a day because he’s a baby. And actually I use “he” generically as they didn’t tell me whether my turtle is male or female. I didn’t really care though. He was a cute, tiny turtle and now he was mine.
I was so excited to get him home and show him to my boyfriend. I named him Merrimac (or Mac for short) and I introduced him as such. I asked, “Doesn’t he look so tiny and cute?” as my eyes lit up as I watched him kick his pebbles and swim around a little. My boyfriend was excited, too. He started asking questions. “What kind of turtle is he?”
“Uhhh…kind?”
“Yea. There’s different kinds.”
“Um…I’m not sure…he’s just a baby.”
“So it’s a ‘he’?”
“I’m guessing…”
“Does the water need to be a certain temperature? Does he need a bigger tank? What other animals can he live with?”
“Uhhhhhhhm....”
“Didn’t the people at the pet store tell you all of this?”
“Well, it wasn’t exactly a pet store. It was a really cute souvenir shop in the Dells that also sold really cute bikinis and flip-flops and alcohol and snacks and stuff. And the turtles were all in a large tank by the door. They were really cute….”
He sighed. “What does he eat? Do you at least know that?”
“Yes! These!” I proudly held up the little baggy of turtle pellets.
“What’s that?”
“Turtle food.”
My boyfriend then walked over to his desk and fired up his laptop.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Research. I wanna know what kind of turtle he is and how to take care of him.”
“Good idea.” I glanced at Mac and he was poking his little face just above the water. Gosh, he’s so cute!
The next morning I had to get up for work. But before I left I put a couple pellets of the turtle food in Mac’s tiny tank for the day. “Bye Mac. See you when I get home.” He lifted his head slightly and looked at me as if he acknowledged. I smiled and headed off to work.
I ended up coming home to a big surprise: First of all, my other best gal pal (whom my bf and I also live with) decided to buy a lizard so Mac would have a friend.
“I asked the guy at the pet store what can live with a turtle and he said a lizard is one of them and I thought he was pretty cool and that Mac could use some company!” The second surprise was a large tank with more gravel and rocks and even a water heater.
“Wow! Did you buy the tank too?”
“No, your boyfriend did that.”
“I wanted it to be a surprise.” He said. “Now he has a bigger home and something warmer. Reptiles need a warm environment. Also, I heard it’s tough to raise baby turtles. They need a lot of care. I’m going to see about getting him an appetite stimulant so he’ll eat. He can also eat leafy stuff, not just those pellets. So I think I’ll try some lettuce….”
The boy had done his homework. Meanwhile, my roomie was adding pets to the list. Now we have Mac (the turtle), Tosh (the lizard), and Indy (the catfish). My roomie and I were just excited to name them and feed them and watch them move around in their new tank (though Indy has his own tank, while Mac and Tosh share). My boyfriend is doing the real care-taking and research to ensure they have long lives. I love my boyfriend so much and I’m so glad he’s the yin to my yang. Otherwise, we’d have dead animals….
P.S. Yes, we’re aware that Mac and Tosh sound like a certain name-brand. We did that purposely, though ironically, none of us are huge fans of this brand…. (And technically Mac is short for Merrimac and Tosh is also affectionately known as Toshy from time to time.)
Lately, I’ve been starting to feel dragged down by work and that this summer is just passing me by way too quickly. I haven’t the slightest glow of a tan nor have I been swimming or to the beach at all! I feel like I haven’t done anything fun…and before I know it snow will barricade me indoors soon. So, on my last day off I FINALLY didn’t have anything planned and even though I should have cleaned our bedroom and the apartment a little and do laundry, I decided to skip it. I always do what I have to; why can’t I do something I want for once (oh yea, besides that feeling of guilt and laziness later...)?
So I called up one of my best gal pals and we decided to treat ourselves out to lunch. Problem was we’re sick of every restaurant and food choice that our town presented. So we drove an hour away to Madison and had Red Robin. Gourmet burgers and sweet and sour margaritas hit the spot. We then made another spur-of-the-moment decision: we stopped at Shopko and bought some chocolate and girly magazines (Complete Woman and Cosmo) and then proceeded to drive to the Wisconsin Dells…at 7pm in the afternoon.
As you can guess, all outdoor water parks were shut down and so were the duck tours. Some indoor pools were open but we would have had to purchase day passes to get in…for $40...each…at 8pm…I don’t think so. So we just walked up and down the main Dells area past Noah’s Ark and some other parks and hotels and just enjoyed the lights and the people. We decided to stop in a little souvenir shop and browse and maybe get something so we wouldn’t feel like this trip was a total waste. I walked in the door and fell in love…with a large tank of baby turtles. Above the tank was a sign that read “Free Turtles” and I got my hopes up a little until I saw that you have to purchase a starter kit for about $30 and then you can get a second turtle for only $10 (which if the turtles are “free” when I buy the $30 kit shouldn’t I get to choose how many damn turtles I want to take home without paying extra? Whatever…). I thought about it. Should I spend the money? Would it live long? Where would I put it? And then I just stopped and watched them swim in the tank while some bathed in the light on top of a rock. I called over a clerk and said I’ll take one. You only live once.
This “starter kit” of theirs I paid $30 for was a tiny plastic tank (like cheap ones you’d win at a fair or get in the toys section of Wal Mart to capture bugs) with a skimpy layer of blue pebbles at the bottom and half filled with water and a very tiny Ziploc baggy full of turtle food pellets. They didn’t give me much information either besides showing me what the actual food container looks like and told me to only feed him once a day because he’s a baby. And actually I use “he” generically as they didn’t tell me whether my turtle is male or female. I didn’t really care though. He was a cute, tiny turtle and now he was mine.
I was so excited to get him home and show him to my boyfriend. I named him Merrimac (or Mac for short) and I introduced him as such. I asked, “Doesn’t he look so tiny and cute?” as my eyes lit up as I watched him kick his pebbles and swim around a little. My boyfriend was excited, too. He started asking questions. “What kind of turtle is he?”
“Uhhh…kind?”
“Yea. There’s different kinds.”
“Um…I’m not sure…he’s just a baby.”
“So it’s a ‘he’?”
“I’m guessing…”
“Does the water need to be a certain temperature? Does he need a bigger tank? What other animals can he live with?”
“Uhhhhhhhm....”
“Didn’t the people at the pet store tell you all of this?”
“Well, it wasn’t exactly a pet store. It was a really cute souvenir shop in the Dells that also sold really cute bikinis and flip-flops and alcohol and snacks and stuff. And the turtles were all in a large tank by the door. They were really cute….”
He sighed. “What does he eat? Do you at least know that?”
“Yes! These!” I proudly held up the little baggy of turtle pellets.
“What’s that?”
“Turtle food.”
My boyfriend then walked over to his desk and fired up his laptop.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Research. I wanna know what kind of turtle he is and how to take care of him.”
“Good idea.” I glanced at Mac and he was poking his little face just above the water. Gosh, he’s so cute!
The next morning I had to get up for work. But before I left I put a couple pellets of the turtle food in Mac’s tiny tank for the day. “Bye Mac. See you when I get home.” He lifted his head slightly and looked at me as if he acknowledged. I smiled and headed off to work.
I ended up coming home to a big surprise: First of all, my other best gal pal (whom my bf and I also live with) decided to buy a lizard so Mac would have a friend.
“I asked the guy at the pet store what can live with a turtle and he said a lizard is one of them and I thought he was pretty cool and that Mac could use some company!” The second surprise was a large tank with more gravel and rocks and even a water heater.
“Wow! Did you buy the tank too?”
“No, your boyfriend did that.”
“I wanted it to be a surprise.” He said. “Now he has a bigger home and something warmer. Reptiles need a warm environment. Also, I heard it’s tough to raise baby turtles. They need a lot of care. I’m going to see about getting him an appetite stimulant so he’ll eat. He can also eat leafy stuff, not just those pellets. So I think I’ll try some lettuce….”
The boy had done his homework. Meanwhile, my roomie was adding pets to the list. Now we have Mac (the turtle), Tosh (the lizard), and Indy (the catfish). My roomie and I were just excited to name them and feed them and watch them move around in their new tank (though Indy has his own tank, while Mac and Tosh share). My boyfriend is doing the real care-taking and research to ensure they have long lives. I love my boyfriend so much and I’m so glad he’s the yin to my yang. Otherwise, we’d have dead animals….
P.S. Yes, we’re aware that Mac and Tosh sound like a certain name-brand. We did that purposely, though ironically, none of us are huge fans of this brand…. (And technically Mac is short for Merrimac and Tosh is also affectionately known as Toshy from time to time.)
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