Contradiction

I just don’t understand. Though, according to Confucius I must be pretty damn smart since “To know is to know that you know nothing.” I know diddly-squat. I’m back to contradictions. C’est ma vie.

Some days I hate the world and everyone and everything in it. It scares the shit out of me. And people (not just collectively, but individually) are quite dumb I’ve noticed. Such are the “perks” of a customer service job: working with and assisting dumb people. Some days I sympathize with the poor bastards who feel the need to kill themselves or shoot up a place (now before I get myself into trouble with that statement, I in no way would do anything like that in a million years nor do I applaud or condone such behavior; I just sympathize). I feel like values are no longer valued and they’re nothing but worthless words. Words such as “hate” or “fuck” or “love” are used so loosely, and ironically used as synonyms at times. People lack the patience and intelligence levels now-a-days to open up a damn book and actually thoughtfully engage in reading it (by the way, “synonyms” are different words that imply the same meaning for those of you who don’t know….)! Typical conversations held between people now deal with nothing more than self-gratification and “me, me, me, me, ME!” I feel like the world is increasingly getting dumber and much more violent…and I am scared and worried constantly. To really give you the impact of my constant fear and worry, here’s a taste of some of my daily thoughts and habits: At night when I’m in bed, I still jump up at every noise thinking someone has broken in. I used to like walking at night, but now if I’m alone I’m afraid of getting kidnapped, raped, and/or murdered. In fact, I’m afraid of the dark altogether (and I’m 21) because I fear what I can’t see. When I come into work in the morning I have to go way to the back of the back room to turn on the lights; I run back there because I’m not sure if someone broke in through the back door and is waiting to jump and attack me so I figure I better be fast enough. When a lone male walks into my store I wonder if he’s going to rob me (obviously a man is stronger than me so I naturally fear the men). I have also stopped watching the news. I know that people gasp when I tell them this and ask “How do you keep up with your current events?” Hmm, well if the current events are that the world is going to hell from all the murders, rapes, missing people, terrorism, weapons and other horrible things, and seeing it affirmed everyday on the news is only going to make me live even more in terrified fear to the point where I may never leave a padded room, then I’d rather be beautifully and ignorantly blissful until the exact moment the earth explodes instead of partaking in a mad hysteria. I keep up to date with local events or big things like elections, Olympics, and the damn sports scores through word of mouth and I just open a damn window if I want the weather. Thank you very much. And I know a lot of you are thinking, “Woah, this woman needs to be committed because she worries too much.” Well, maybe I do but I’d rather be careful than sorry. I don’t know why but people really do believe in their own invincibility and think that bad things can’t or won’t happen to them; I assure you it can and it will if you’re not careful.

However, (now here comes my contradiction) the very collective and individual people that I refer to that I say terrify me on a daily basis, also manage to pleasantly surprise me. (“Pleasantly” perhaps only because I expect the worst? Who knows.) But on occasion I meet those rare individuals whom have a deep and refreshing sense of morals and values. People who also have delightful compassion, unconditional love, and a shared thirst and desire for novels and poetry and deep meaningful thought. These wonderful and truly remarkable people that also have courage and spirit and aren’t afraid to be dreamers and mavericks in a cynical and decaying world. These people give me hope and sustenance and comfort that I think for a brief moment that maybe the world is in some good hands and stands a fighting chance. There is also my ever-affirming faith that never allows me to give up completely and has me hanging on tight to the rope of hope. For instance, in my weakest moments or moments of doubt I’ll see a picture, or a person, or hear a phrase or the right words, or the right song that always replies perfectly to my doubting question or just reaffirms my strength and the human spirit. Moments like that are my miracles and my sustenance that there is something greater at work and that I just need to hang on and help where I can.

So you see my living contradiction? I am both naïve dreamer and disgruntled cynic. Is it just me? Maybe. But maybe it’s just the typical clichéd “rollercoaster” called Life and some days are just better than others. All I know is that I know nothing.