So last Tuesday I was in a horrid mood and thus coined Bitch Tuesdays: a day to rant, complain, cry, whine, yell, and, well, bitch about anything. Feel free to partake.
I’m almost a little afraid to continue with this every week only because if I’m not in a horrid mood I have to try a little harder to find those irritable things. And then once I think of those irritable things and start ranting about them I’m going to feel all worked up and just…irritable. So maybe I’ll start with some good news so that I don’t feel so bad?
Well, here’s some good news in my life lately:
My new Nikon D90 DSLR should be showing up soon in the mail. I’m hoping it arrives before this Saturday.
This Saturday is July 4th, Independence Day! I’m looking forward to the cook out and fire-pit my dad is planning. It’s so weird to be able to drink with my dad now that I’m 21! He was always so strict and now that I’m older and not living at home, he’s much cooler. OH, and I’m looking forward to fireworks at the park on Saturday too.
I’m planning a month long road-trip for next July. Yes, I know it’s a whole year away but I need a whole year to save up money and plan for living/storage arrangements for when our lease is up. The BF will be coming too. Bonding vacation time plus I can take a bazillion pics and write tons of things to expand my portfolio and resume. We’ll be poor all year but it’ll be soooooo worth it to be roaming hobos for a whole month. <3
I fluffed up a batch of new resumes and cranked out a bunch of personalized cover letters and sent ‘em all marchin’ to a bunch of photography studios and newspapers. I’m looking for an internship to get my damn foot in the door for the career I really want. I sent them out last week and made calls yesterday to follow up to see if I can snag some interviews. Most places I had to leave messages because they were “away” and that was slightly irritating. BUT, one lovely woman (bless her heart) said she was impressed (!!!) and would get in touch with me next week when they come back from vacation.
So, feelin’ pretty good right now! But here are some annoyances that I need to get off my chest:
Why are women cursed with a monthly version of hell? Hmmm, severe cramps really puts my whole day down the crapper, don’t know about you….
Why does my phone ONLY spaz out when the BF calls? It’s perfectly normal most other times, but when the BF calls it rings, then pauses, then rings, then pauses again, and then rings. Changing the ringtone doesn’t do anything either. And my speed dial doesn’t like to speedily dial when I try to use it to call the BF. I have to hold it down for almost a minute before it starts dialing. Changing the speed dial number he is on doesn’t change it either. And we are both on the same cell phone plan and we live together, so it’s not that he’s “out of range.” It’s ridiculous. Is my phone psycho jealous or something and trying to prevent me from communicating? Who knows, but it’s getting annoying and I’m going to trade phones soon…but ssssh, don’t tell my phone….
I’m going to be poor (even more so than usual) for a whole year! Just paying bills and that’s it! Only necessities! I’m going to have severe shopping spree urges but I have to remember I’m doing this to myself for a reason and that it’ll be worth it! But GAH!! I HATE MONEY!!
Gettin’ sick of all this MJ MEDIA MADNESS. Yes, it’s unfortunate; yes, he was young and such a legend. Shut up and just enjoy his music. I know I am. “I want to love you, pretty young thing…”
I hate drivers that think the highway is a race course. OOOOOH, you’re so fast because you had to speed past me and abruptly merge right in front of my damn bumper so you can get to the same red light 5 seconds faster than me. Do you feel like a winner?
Feel free to share your good and/or bad news this week. Ranting helps: mind, body and soul!
Love Always and Forever,
Shy Lee Zephyr
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Pop!gasms and Exploding Hearts with Glitter. On the Dancefloor.
I don’t care what you all think of Michael Jackson’s death (or life) and all the media coverage. All I care about is if you hear a damn good tune (like much of MJ’s stuff) you follow those boogey impulses to the dancefloor. As a music fanatic, I suggest you take this time to consider the value of a great song and give appreciation and tribute to it by shakin’ yo’ thang!
Music is a huge part of my life. I’m not saying I have any real musical talent, but I’ve always had this obsessing love affair for it. When I was young I wanted to be a singer and I would sing along to every song on the car radio or commercial jingle. I was part of a chorus group when I was in grade school. When I got older and realized I really couldn’t sing worth crap and the extent of my singing career would reach the heights of off-key voice-alongs with the radio, I decided I wanted to play guitar. My dad got me a really beautiful acoustic guitar for Christmas one year (not a particular brand or an overly-expensive one, but still nice, and like I’d know the difference really?). The extent of that went as far as a one semester class in high school and I still can’t tune the damn thing. I know about frets and chords and notes though and how to play a couple jingles so it wasn’t a complete waste. I have a high appreciation for the musically inclined though. If I were to really assess where I’d fit into the whole music scene, I’d probably be a lyricist. Though not even that really, I can write something that someone else can turn into lyrics but I can’t really envision words to music (unless it’s my own words inspired from a song I already know or the like). My point is, even though I may not be good at creating music in any form, I sure do love it like a mad (wo)man.
I was raised on country music. It was a little strange because we lived in a big city but my dad had a dad that was from Alabama and his mom was from Wisconsin. So they switched living between the two states when they got tired of one. Obviously, my dad took more after the country roots and thus instilled it into at least one of his children (me, of course. My brother started to lean more towards the alt. hard rock scene as we got older, and hates country altogether now.). I’ve obviously expanded my musical interests as I’ve gotten older but country music will always hold a special place with me. Something you should know is that my dad’s not that old. But he acts old and likes old things; he’s old-fashioned. So we didn’t just grow up with the new country stuff playing on the radio (we did but there’s more). My dad bought a complete Time Life CD collection of old country music: Loretta Lynn, Johnny Horton, Tennessee Ernie Ford, Hank Williams (Sr. and Jr.), Johnny Cash, and many others. My dad is also a HUGE Elvis fan. We have enough Elvis memorabilia around the house to open our own gift shop. Also, he took the family to Graceland once and he’s been there at least 4 times. As a consequence, I too love it all. I love everything about the country music genre and Elvis. The values and emotions in the lyrics, the rock’n roll hillbilly thang, the iconic symbolism of it all. I also love that it has many fond memories for me. I have many, many fond memories with certain songs but one that really sticks out is my dad sitting in his recliner in the living room. It’s a dingy tan recliner, the living room has a rough dark carpet which I’m laying on turned on my stomach and I’m reading, coloring or writing. The only light in the room is a low yellow light from my grandma’s antique blue glass lamps. The T.V is off but my dad’s 5 disc-changer is on with it’s little blinking green light and I can hear the discs rotating and changing to the next song. Sixteen Tons by Tennessee Ernie Ford starts to play. My dad picks up his MGD and takes a long sip, and then sits back in the recliner. He starts to sing along in a low baritone voice and gets up to turn the volume dial a pinch louder. This is a fond memory to me because my dad always worked hard and it was kind of rare to see him relax or be happy like this. It was even more special because I felt like he thought I was more like an adult because he let me witness this moment instead of telling me to go to my room or go play. I can pick out a million memories like this or like when we played 8 Tracks and Chuck Berry record albums on my great grandma’s old stereo at my 16th Birthday Party (I’m now 21).
As I’ve grown older my appreciation for country music has deepened, but I’ve also expanded my musical tastes. The short and sweet version is that I love anything that can make me dance or that I can relate to lyrically. Though I have a delectable affinity for dance + lyrics; as Darren Hayes would say, “Pop with a capital P,” or “Pop!gasms!” Ever since my 1st boyfriend sang “Truly, Madly, Deeply” by Savage Garden to me over the phone I have been an obsessive nut for Savage Garden. When I found out they were split by the time I even obtained their two main CD’s, I cyber-stalked (searched incessantly for) each member to find out what they were up to now. That’s when I found out Darren Hayes was a solo artist. To put probably a very long and obsessive story short: I own every one of his solo albums, have seen him live in NYC once (my 1st trip to NYC made especially for him!), saw him twice in Chicago (once with a handshake and autograph!), and he is absolutely my most favorite singer of all-time. His voice is beyond amazing, the way he experiments with his talent is pure genius, he’s actually a very nice and genuine fellow in person which makes him all the more delectable and irresistible to my obsessive ways, and he’s a total hottie (even though he’s gay AND married now), and I think I just have a thing for Aussie’s (I also love Keith Urban and Hugh Jackman among other Aussie talents). So, basically, I <3 Darren Hayes and his songs are my inspiration, comfort and definitely has some hits on my dance list.
Some other artists I feel inspire pure “popgasms” include: Michael Jackson (how can he NOT? He exudes popgasms!), Madonna (not so much her alternative work, but her early pop stuff or her new Hard Candy album is delicious), Kate Ryan (a remarkable woman who also sings her hot songs in French as well as English. If you are looking for hot tracks to get sticky to whether it be for a work-out or just gettin’ your butt on the dancefloor, you BETTER get some Kate!), Kylie Minogue (What can I say? She’s another Aussie. She’s just “Wow, wow, wow, wow!”), and Lady Gaga (yea, she’s new but she’s the epitome of glamour). There are obviously others but those are the faves!
For those of you who need some popgasms now, I’ve created a list full of ‘em! I have Rhapsody with my Verizon Wireless service which is soooo worth it because it’s $15/mo for UNLIMITED music. I can choose to purchase the music to put to a CD, or I can just listen to full songs while at work from the Rhapsody play-thinger or sync the tracks to my phone or MP3 player without purchase. Literally thousands and thousands of songs to choose from that I can sync to a music device all for $15/month! Since I don’t purchase the songs, they would naturally go away if I cancel the subscription but why do I need to do that? I have unlimited access to them and I can take them anywhere! Anyway, there’s a whole point to that brief marketing. This list is compiled from my playlist on there. So if you have Rhapsody, you can find all the songs on there. I’m sure you can probably find on ITunes also and maybe even YouTube if you don’t have a music thinger. Anyway, here’s my dance list. Look it up, listen, enjoy the pure popgasms and dance impulses! (Obviously there are mores songs by each artist that are great, but I just did a sampler.)
Britney Spears: Me Against the Music, I’m a Slave 4 U, Toxic, Gimme More, If U Seek Amy, Womanizer
Darren Hayes: Step Into The Light, Tuning of Violins, Me Myself and I, Love and Attraction, I Like the Way
Michael Jackson: Thriller, Beat it, Billie Jean
Kate Ryan: Love or Lust, Je t’Adore, All for You, Alive, Why Imagine
Kylie Minogue: Like a Drug, Speakerphone, Wow, Fever, Come Into My World, Your Love, Dancefloor, Burning Up, 2 Hearts
Lady Gaga: Just Dance, Pokerface
Madonna: Like a Virgin, Material Girl, Vogue, Jump, Ray of Light, 4 Minutes, Give it To Me
Savage Garden: Chained to You, I Want You, I’ll Bet He Was Cool, Love Can Move You
The Veronicas: Take Me on the Floor, Untouched
Miscellaneous tracks: Don’t Trust Me by 3oh!3, Here in Your Arms by Hellogoodbye, Shake It by Metro Station
Love Always and Forever,
Shy Lee Zephyr
Music is a huge part of my life. I’m not saying I have any real musical talent, but I’ve always had this obsessing love affair for it. When I was young I wanted to be a singer and I would sing along to every song on the car radio or commercial jingle. I was part of a chorus group when I was in grade school. When I got older and realized I really couldn’t sing worth crap and the extent of my singing career would reach the heights of off-key voice-alongs with the radio, I decided I wanted to play guitar. My dad got me a really beautiful acoustic guitar for Christmas one year (not a particular brand or an overly-expensive one, but still nice, and like I’d know the difference really?). The extent of that went as far as a one semester class in high school and I still can’t tune the damn thing. I know about frets and chords and notes though and how to play a couple jingles so it wasn’t a complete waste. I have a high appreciation for the musically inclined though. If I were to really assess where I’d fit into the whole music scene, I’d probably be a lyricist. Though not even that really, I can write something that someone else can turn into lyrics but I can’t really envision words to music (unless it’s my own words inspired from a song I already know or the like). My point is, even though I may not be good at creating music in any form, I sure do love it like a mad (wo)man.
I was raised on country music. It was a little strange because we lived in a big city but my dad had a dad that was from Alabama and his mom was from Wisconsin. So they switched living between the two states when they got tired of one. Obviously, my dad took more after the country roots and thus instilled it into at least one of his children (me, of course. My brother started to lean more towards the alt. hard rock scene as we got older, and hates country altogether now.). I’ve obviously expanded my musical interests as I’ve gotten older but country music will always hold a special place with me. Something you should know is that my dad’s not that old. But he acts old and likes old things; he’s old-fashioned. So we didn’t just grow up with the new country stuff playing on the radio (we did but there’s more). My dad bought a complete Time Life CD collection of old country music: Loretta Lynn, Johnny Horton, Tennessee Ernie Ford, Hank Williams (Sr. and Jr.), Johnny Cash, and many others. My dad is also a HUGE Elvis fan. We have enough Elvis memorabilia around the house to open our own gift shop. Also, he took the family to Graceland once and he’s been there at least 4 times. As a consequence, I too love it all. I love everything about the country music genre and Elvis. The values and emotions in the lyrics, the rock’n roll hillbilly thang, the iconic symbolism of it all. I also love that it has many fond memories for me. I have many, many fond memories with certain songs but one that really sticks out is my dad sitting in his recliner in the living room. It’s a dingy tan recliner, the living room has a rough dark carpet which I’m laying on turned on my stomach and I’m reading, coloring or writing. The only light in the room is a low yellow light from my grandma’s antique blue glass lamps. The T.V is off but my dad’s 5 disc-changer is on with it’s little blinking green light and I can hear the discs rotating and changing to the next song. Sixteen Tons by Tennessee Ernie Ford starts to play. My dad picks up his MGD and takes a long sip, and then sits back in the recliner. He starts to sing along in a low baritone voice and gets up to turn the volume dial a pinch louder. This is a fond memory to me because my dad always worked hard and it was kind of rare to see him relax or be happy like this. It was even more special because I felt like he thought I was more like an adult because he let me witness this moment instead of telling me to go to my room or go play. I can pick out a million memories like this or like when we played 8 Tracks and Chuck Berry record albums on my great grandma’s old stereo at my 16th Birthday Party (I’m now 21).
As I’ve grown older my appreciation for country music has deepened, but I’ve also expanded my musical tastes. The short and sweet version is that I love anything that can make me dance or that I can relate to lyrically. Though I have a delectable affinity for dance + lyrics; as Darren Hayes would say, “Pop with a capital P,” or “Pop!gasms!” Ever since my 1st boyfriend sang “Truly, Madly, Deeply” by Savage Garden to me over the phone I have been an obsessive nut for Savage Garden. When I found out they were split by the time I even obtained their two main CD’s, I cyber-stalked (searched incessantly for) each member to find out what they were up to now. That’s when I found out Darren Hayes was a solo artist. To put probably a very long and obsessive story short: I own every one of his solo albums, have seen him live in NYC once (my 1st trip to NYC made especially for him!), saw him twice in Chicago (once with a handshake and autograph!), and he is absolutely my most favorite singer of all-time. His voice is beyond amazing, the way he experiments with his talent is pure genius, he’s actually a very nice and genuine fellow in person which makes him all the more delectable and irresistible to my obsessive ways, and he’s a total hottie (even though he’s gay AND married now), and I think I just have a thing for Aussie’s (I also love Keith Urban and Hugh Jackman among other Aussie talents). So, basically, I <3 Darren Hayes and his songs are my inspiration, comfort and definitely has some hits on my dance list.
Some other artists I feel inspire pure “popgasms” include: Michael Jackson (how can he NOT? He exudes popgasms!), Madonna (not so much her alternative work, but her early pop stuff or her new Hard Candy album is delicious), Kate Ryan (a remarkable woman who also sings her hot songs in French as well as English. If you are looking for hot tracks to get sticky to whether it be for a work-out or just gettin’ your butt on the dancefloor, you BETTER get some Kate!), Kylie Minogue (What can I say? She’s another Aussie. She’s just “Wow, wow, wow, wow!”), and Lady Gaga (yea, she’s new but she’s the epitome of glamour). There are obviously others but those are the faves!
For those of you who need some popgasms now, I’ve created a list full of ‘em! I have Rhapsody with my Verizon Wireless service which is soooo worth it because it’s $15/mo for UNLIMITED music. I can choose to purchase the music to put to a CD, or I can just listen to full songs while at work from the Rhapsody play-thinger or sync the tracks to my phone or MP3 player without purchase. Literally thousands and thousands of songs to choose from that I can sync to a music device all for $15/month! Since I don’t purchase the songs, they would naturally go away if I cancel the subscription but why do I need to do that? I have unlimited access to them and I can take them anywhere! Anyway, there’s a whole point to that brief marketing. This list is compiled from my playlist on there. So if you have Rhapsody, you can find all the songs on there. I’m sure you can probably find on ITunes also and maybe even YouTube if you don’t have a music thinger. Anyway, here’s my dance list. Look it up, listen, enjoy the pure popgasms and dance impulses! (Obviously there are mores songs by each artist that are great, but I just did a sampler.)
Britney Spears: Me Against the Music, I’m a Slave 4 U, Toxic, Gimme More, If U Seek Amy, Womanizer
Darren Hayes: Step Into The Light, Tuning of Violins, Me Myself and I, Love and Attraction, I Like the Way
Michael Jackson: Thriller, Beat it, Billie Jean
Kate Ryan: Love or Lust, Je t’Adore, All for You, Alive, Why Imagine
Kylie Minogue: Like a Drug, Speakerphone, Wow, Fever, Come Into My World, Your Love, Dancefloor, Burning Up, 2 Hearts
Lady Gaga: Just Dance, Pokerface
Madonna: Like a Virgin, Material Girl, Vogue, Jump, Ray of Light, 4 Minutes, Give it To Me
Savage Garden: Chained to You, I Want You, I’ll Bet He Was Cool, Love Can Move You
The Veronicas: Take Me on the Floor, Untouched
Miscellaneous tracks: Don’t Trust Me by 3oh!3, Here in Your Arms by Hellogoodbye, Shake It by Metro Station
Love Always and Forever,
Shy Lee Zephyr
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Tuesday: Worse than Monday?
Oh man, it’s been one of those days. Not feeling the greatest and I think the constant exchange of air conditioned buildings and sweltering heat outside are the main contributing factor. Watery and itchy eyes. Runny and itchy nose. Constant sneezing. Headache and face feels HOT like I have sunburn all over it. I really don’t think it’s allergies; what would cause allergies to flare up suddenly for a week? Whatever it is, it’s making me sluggish and cranky and I just want to go home!
I think other people are definitely getting cranky because of the heat (it’s funny in Wisconsin: we’re either cranky because of the heat or cranky because of the cold). Every customer that has walked in my door today has been outstandingly rude and demanding. Yes, because that’s an effective approach to make me want to assist you better…. So due to my mood, I’m declaring Tuesdays as Bitch Days. I am just going to bitch about everything that irritates, frustrates, or angers me. Feel free to join and contribute your own.
I hate traffic. All traffic. My ideal road is one where I’m the only one on it. Ever notice everyone but you is always a slow dumb ass or speedy jackass?
I hate cheapskates. It’s not just because I’m a sales person either. I’m thrifty too, I admit it. But you don’t need to be a complete miserly dick about it. If you expect it to be nice and work the way you want it to without problems or returns, expect to pay a little more.
I hate when my best friend says she’s fat. WHAT?! You go to the gym EVERYDAY and you can definitely see you’ve lost the baby-fat you had when we were in school. Those “pounds” you whine about is muscle. If you want to see weight gain, look at my face! Not to mention, how many guys hit on you per day? That’s what I thought….
How do people afford to go on vacations or random road trips…during the week? I work my butt off, still no money, and I have to suck up majorly to get a day off. Do these people not work and just have other people pay things for them? If so, where the hell do I sign up?
I hate money. I hate that it’s a “necessary evil.” I can understand paying for things we want, but should we really have to pay for things we need in order to survive?
I hate being short-tempered and irritated quite often. I hate it when people call me mother, and they're not my child . Is it a crime that I'm more responsible than you? Hmph!
Share what makes you angry or what you hate. It feels good to let it all out, doesn’t it?
I think other people are definitely getting cranky because of the heat (it’s funny in Wisconsin: we’re either cranky because of the heat or cranky because of the cold). Every customer that has walked in my door today has been outstandingly rude and demanding. Yes, because that’s an effective approach to make me want to assist you better…. So due to my mood, I’m declaring Tuesdays as Bitch Days. I am just going to bitch about everything that irritates, frustrates, or angers me. Feel free to join and contribute your own.
I hate traffic. All traffic. My ideal road is one where I’m the only one on it. Ever notice everyone but you is always a slow dumb ass or speedy jackass?
I hate cheapskates. It’s not just because I’m a sales person either. I’m thrifty too, I admit it. But you don’t need to be a complete miserly dick about it. If you expect it to be nice and work the way you want it to without problems or returns, expect to pay a little more.
I hate when my best friend says she’s fat. WHAT?! You go to the gym EVERYDAY and you can definitely see you’ve lost the baby-fat you had when we were in school. Those “pounds” you whine about is muscle. If you want to see weight gain, look at my face! Not to mention, how many guys hit on you per day? That’s what I thought….
How do people afford to go on vacations or random road trips…during the week? I work my butt off, still no money, and I have to suck up majorly to get a day off. Do these people not work and just have other people pay things for them? If so, where the hell do I sign up?
I hate money. I hate that it’s a “necessary evil.” I can understand paying for things we want, but should we really have to pay for things we need in order to survive?
I hate being short-tempered and irritated quite often. I hate it when people call me mother, and they're not my child . Is it a crime that I'm more responsible than you? Hmph!
Share what makes you angry or what you hate. It feels good to let it all out, doesn’t it?
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Pensive, Sensitive and Elizabethtown
I’ve been finding myself in a pensive mood more often than not these days. Not that I’m complaining. I’m going to reveal some deep secrets with you, so I hope you’re ready to share and to feel. I love writing (that’s not the secret). I love it because I can say and feel whatever I want, and if I choose I can either share it or keep it to myself. Paper and ink have become my most cherished possessions. I love how personal it is. I love how thoughts can tangle and weave and tell a story or stray off topic. It’s just making a piece of you more tangible. Whether you share it or keep it to yourself, you know a little more about yourself.
Anyway, yes, you’re probably waiting for my secret. Once upon a time in the depths and woes of teenage life, I had wanted to end it all. The strangest sensation is to imagine your own death. It was frightening but thinking of my pain inside that never seemed to go away and enduring that for a long time seemed frightening too. What if I just ran away? It would still haunt me no matter where I go…the only solution would be to end the pain altogether. I’m not sure what exactly brought me out of that stupid way of thinking…writing was probably my best therapy. That, and fear. I just kept thinking of the word: permanence. This isn’t something I can do to prove a point or just escape for a little while; this is something I can’t change my mind about and undo tomorrow once it’s been done. So the idea resorted itself to nighttime mind wanderings, and didn’t really surface otherwise. And life just sort of happened.
I’ve never been a religious or spiritual person in my life. My family has never gone to church, I’ve never really read the Bible or anything either. In fact, I remember when I moved to the smaller town where I live now and it was the strangest thing! Everyone (I mean EVERYONE!) goes to church on Sundays (Wednesdays too), and gets baptized and/or confirmed. (I never knew what confirmation was before). There are even lots of kids who attend parochial schools. Even in the public school I was attending, my English teachers made constant references to Bible stories and passages that I knew nothing about and had to poke the person next to me and ask. All I had ever known was this strange vagueness called God that people once in awhile referred or swore to, and nothing about Christ except that he resided in churches on crosses and certainly nothing about the Holy Spirit. I’m still not entirely certain what I believe in these days, but I do know more than before. And I pray much more too.
I think I do believe in some sort of higher power though; and it doesn’t matter what or who you want to call it. I don’t know how I’ve gained this new perspective but I have it. I used to only see the bad things, I’m not sure why. Why do we concentrate so hard only on the things that go wrong? Well, I’m not sure how but I’ve opened my eyes to see beyond that. Even when I’m mad and frustrated, or sad, and nothing is going right and no one can help me, there’s just always that little something. It’s so tiny that you really have to be paying attention. Or maybe it’s so big and always there that we just take it for granted and forget? Perhaps a little of both. Just something inexplicable and extraordinary.
Sometimes, I try to remind myself of the bigger picture and be thankful for what I have. I have a wonderful boyfriend, great friends, a loving family, a place to sleep, food to eat, air to breathe: I’m after all ALIVE! To put that into a bit of perspective, as Charlie Bartlett put it: “Well, see, that's my whole point. I mean you could've been born a single cell organism on the planet Zortex. In fact, given the odds, it's probably more likely, but you weren't. You we're born a human being. And not just any human being in the history of human beings, but a human being that gets to be alive today. That gets to listen to all kinds of music, that gets to eat food from every culture, that gets to download porn off the internet. So really, you have everything to live for.” Or as Darius Rucker says in his new song, Alright: “’Cause I've got a roof over my head, the woman I love laying in my bed. And it's alright, alright. I've got shoes under my feet, Forever in her eyes staring back at me. And it's alright, alright. And I've got all I need. And it's alright by me.”
When thinking of the bigger picture doesn’t help I look for tiny miracles. I am a firm believer that miracles happen every day. For instance when I see or hear from a person I was just thinking about or missing deeply, that is a miracle to me. It makes my day a heck of a lot better! Or when I’m feeling sorry for myself and I come across movies like Charlie Bartlett or Elizabethtown that not only put things into perspective for me, it’s exactly what I needed. (By the way I just got done watching Elizabethtown for the first time and it’s now one of my new favorite movies. WATCH IT!) I need to know that I’m not alone; I need to be reminded that life is a gift and that it’s all about love. When I come across the perfect movie, or song on the radio, I think, “How did the universe know I needed to see or hear this at this precise moment?” There has to be something out there listening to our prayers and our struggles. Other little miracles consist of anything unexpected that brightens your day which you just know the universe has delivered to you personally at your moment of need. For instance, my boyfriend is not very good at expressing his emotions (and he’s with a girl that has an overabundance of them and likes to share them all the time!). He often doesn’t know what to say or do when I’m in some state of emotional need. I get so frustrated sometimes and wonder, “Why doesn’t he know what to say? Why can’t he just say what I need to hear?!” And when I’m staring at him all teary eyed and he just looks at me with a sober face, I feel maybe he just doesn’t understand and why did I think this could work? I asked him today, “Do you think I’m difficult to be with?” He said, “No.” I asked, “Why not?” and listed reasons why he should otherwise. He simply just said, “Because I know I can be difficult to be with some days too.” Basically letting me know it’s two-sided and that he’s putting his all into it. Simple and truthful. And even though he’s silent most times and just holds me, I think I have exactly what I need. I don’t need to hear flowery words. I just need the simple and pure truth, and someone who loves and understands me for who I am. And he’s just perfect in an imperfect way.
It’s strange how the real beauty hides itself within truth. Discovering it is even more wonderful, like a rose unfolding in front of your eyes. That’s what life is about: truth, beauty, love and connection. Everything else doesn’t matter because it’s all superficial and fades away into the next moment, lost forever. All that matters is that you love deeply and laugh loudly because all you leave with is love and memories and that’s also, coincidentally, the only thing worthwhile that you leave behind…
Love Always and Forever,
Shy Lee Zephyr
Anyway, yes, you’re probably waiting for my secret. Once upon a time in the depths and woes of teenage life, I had wanted to end it all. The strangest sensation is to imagine your own death. It was frightening but thinking of my pain inside that never seemed to go away and enduring that for a long time seemed frightening too. What if I just ran away? It would still haunt me no matter where I go…the only solution would be to end the pain altogether. I’m not sure what exactly brought me out of that stupid way of thinking…writing was probably my best therapy. That, and fear. I just kept thinking of the word: permanence. This isn’t something I can do to prove a point or just escape for a little while; this is something I can’t change my mind about and undo tomorrow once it’s been done. So the idea resorted itself to nighttime mind wanderings, and didn’t really surface otherwise. And life just sort of happened.
I’ve never been a religious or spiritual person in my life. My family has never gone to church, I’ve never really read the Bible or anything either. In fact, I remember when I moved to the smaller town where I live now and it was the strangest thing! Everyone (I mean EVERYONE!) goes to church on Sundays (Wednesdays too), and gets baptized and/or confirmed. (I never knew what confirmation was before). There are even lots of kids who attend parochial schools. Even in the public school I was attending, my English teachers made constant references to Bible stories and passages that I knew nothing about and had to poke the person next to me and ask. All I had ever known was this strange vagueness called God that people once in awhile referred or swore to, and nothing about Christ except that he resided in churches on crosses and certainly nothing about the Holy Spirit. I’m still not entirely certain what I believe in these days, but I do know more than before. And I pray much more too.
I think I do believe in some sort of higher power though; and it doesn’t matter what or who you want to call it. I don’t know how I’ve gained this new perspective but I have it. I used to only see the bad things, I’m not sure why. Why do we concentrate so hard only on the things that go wrong? Well, I’m not sure how but I’ve opened my eyes to see beyond that. Even when I’m mad and frustrated, or sad, and nothing is going right and no one can help me, there’s just always that little something. It’s so tiny that you really have to be paying attention. Or maybe it’s so big and always there that we just take it for granted and forget? Perhaps a little of both. Just something inexplicable and extraordinary.
Sometimes, I try to remind myself of the bigger picture and be thankful for what I have. I have a wonderful boyfriend, great friends, a loving family, a place to sleep, food to eat, air to breathe: I’m after all ALIVE! To put that into a bit of perspective, as Charlie Bartlett put it: “Well, see, that's my whole point. I mean you could've been born a single cell organism on the planet Zortex. In fact, given the odds, it's probably more likely, but you weren't. You we're born a human being. And not just any human being in the history of human beings, but a human being that gets to be alive today. That gets to listen to all kinds of music, that gets to eat food from every culture, that gets to download porn off the internet. So really, you have everything to live for.” Or as Darius Rucker says in his new song, Alright: “’Cause I've got a roof over my head, the woman I love laying in my bed. And it's alright, alright. I've got shoes under my feet, Forever in her eyes staring back at me. And it's alright, alright. And I've got all I need. And it's alright by me.”
When thinking of the bigger picture doesn’t help I look for tiny miracles. I am a firm believer that miracles happen every day. For instance when I see or hear from a person I was just thinking about or missing deeply, that is a miracle to me. It makes my day a heck of a lot better! Or when I’m feeling sorry for myself and I come across movies like Charlie Bartlett or Elizabethtown that not only put things into perspective for me, it’s exactly what I needed. (By the way I just got done watching Elizabethtown for the first time and it’s now one of my new favorite movies. WATCH IT!) I need to know that I’m not alone; I need to be reminded that life is a gift and that it’s all about love. When I come across the perfect movie, or song on the radio, I think, “How did the universe know I needed to see or hear this at this precise moment?” There has to be something out there listening to our prayers and our struggles. Other little miracles consist of anything unexpected that brightens your day which you just know the universe has delivered to you personally at your moment of need. For instance, my boyfriend is not very good at expressing his emotions (and he’s with a girl that has an overabundance of them and likes to share them all the time!). He often doesn’t know what to say or do when I’m in some state of emotional need. I get so frustrated sometimes and wonder, “Why doesn’t he know what to say? Why can’t he just say what I need to hear?!” And when I’m staring at him all teary eyed and he just looks at me with a sober face, I feel maybe he just doesn’t understand and why did I think this could work? I asked him today, “Do you think I’m difficult to be with?” He said, “No.” I asked, “Why not?” and listed reasons why he should otherwise. He simply just said, “Because I know I can be difficult to be with some days too.” Basically letting me know it’s two-sided and that he’s putting his all into it. Simple and truthful. And even though he’s silent most times and just holds me, I think I have exactly what I need. I don’t need to hear flowery words. I just need the simple and pure truth, and someone who loves and understands me for who I am. And he’s just perfect in an imperfect way.
It’s strange how the real beauty hides itself within truth. Discovering it is even more wonderful, like a rose unfolding in front of your eyes. That’s what life is about: truth, beauty, love and connection. Everything else doesn’t matter because it’s all superficial and fades away into the next moment, lost forever. All that matters is that you love deeply and laugh loudly because all you leave with is love and memories and that’s also, coincidentally, the only thing worthwhile that you leave behind…
Love Always and Forever,
Shy Lee Zephyr
Thursday, June 11, 2009
HURRY, HURRY, RUSH, RUSH, RUSH!
8:00AM: Alarm starts screaming. I crawl across to the foot of the bed, stretch my arm out towards the top of the TV, pound on the snooze and crawl back to cuddle with my still-sleeping boyfriend.
8:06AM: Repeat what I did at 8.
8:16AM: Repeat again….and then again and again pretty much until 8:55AM. (NOT a morning person AT ALL.)
8:55-9AM: Scramble out of bed and jump for my cell phone to get onto the conference call for work by 9:03AM.
9:03-9:20AM: Listen to conference call on muted speakerphone, brush teeth and do hair, get dressed, grab purse and work binder, grab breakfast cereal bar, make lunch if I can stretch enough time. Leave house at 9:20AM.
9:22AM: Drive to work. Sometimes conference call lasts me all the way until I arrive; sometimes I can hang up and blast my music.
9:45AM: Arrive at work and get ready to open: unlock doors, turn on demos and open sign, clock into computer system, tidy up, review inventory, check work email and other emails and sign-in sites.
10:00AM-7:00PM: WORK. This consists of all duties: cleaning and tidying, managing and adding inventory, signing up people for contracts, answering the phone, answering questions, reading and sending emails, reviewing new device trainings and demos, customer call-outs, mailing offers and coupons, and occasionally surfing the web during down times. I eat lunch whenever I get hungry IF I made one or if have enough money to order something or get gas station food. Lately it’s hectic scanning, removing, and adding inventory in order to prepare for closing the current location and moving to a larger location, which will also add another 30 minutes (15 there and 15 back) to my daily commute starting Monday.
7:02PM: Drive home from work. Brain fried and exhausted and most often hungry as well.
7:25PM: Arrive at home. Shower and change clothes. Make or order dinner. Get out laptop and sign into school website and do homework.
9:00PM: Sometimes homework takes me this long, shorter, or even longer to complete. It varies but on average I’m free by 9pm. I usually pop in a movie and relax on the couch. Though sometimes (budget and friends permitting, which isn’t often) I’ll go out and find something to do. Or I write. It’s basically my little bit of ME time.
12:00AM-1:00AM: I’ll usually head to the bedroom about this time with my boyfriend and get ready for bed. Change into comfy clothes, turn on Nick at Nite on low volume and set TV timer for 90 minutes, and cuddle until we fall asleep.
There are a few variations to this schedule. Such as Sundays I have off and usually try to designate more focused time on homework and cleaning house. Lately I’ve been also visiting my dad and my brother at their house. Wednesdays I have off but still get up at 9am (usually) to drive 40 minutes to a gym JUST because they offer Kickboxing and cardio and work out classes. NO GYM NEAR ME OFFERS CLASSES. I also use Wednesdays for business day errands and phone calls (school, work, bank, doctor, etc). Thursdays is my payday but I don’t get done with work until AFTER the bank closes so I usually have to get up extra early on Fridays to deposit (my job doesn’t offer direct depositing). Otherwise, I’d have to wait until Sunday (which most banks are closed) or the following Wednesday and when a person lives paycheck-to-paycheck, like myself, that’s not always practical to wait that long. Also, there’s unexpected things that like to pop up occasionally like work-related errands on my days off to help out, picking up my boyfriend from work or taking him to work before I head off, 8PM grocery trips, etc, etc.
I know there are many, many people with busier schedules which include children and no self relaxation time. But this is a FULL schedule for me right now. Next year after our lease is up, my boyfriend and I are hoping to be making a little better incomes, won’t need a roommate and will be moving to another town. This prospective town (I’ve already checked) has a couple gyms that offer classes, has a Wal Mart so my boyfriend can just transfer working as management to another store if he likes, I’ll still be the same distance from my current work place but I’ll have other career and internship opportunities for the career that I do want. Such busy lives and busy plans we have...but hopeful and aspiring dreams.
8:06AM: Repeat what I did at 8.
8:16AM: Repeat again….and then again and again pretty much until 8:55AM. (NOT a morning person AT ALL.)
8:55-9AM: Scramble out of bed and jump for my cell phone to get onto the conference call for work by 9:03AM.
9:03-9:20AM: Listen to conference call on muted speakerphone, brush teeth and do hair, get dressed, grab purse and work binder, grab breakfast cereal bar, make lunch if I can stretch enough time. Leave house at 9:20AM.
9:22AM: Drive to work. Sometimes conference call lasts me all the way until I arrive; sometimes I can hang up and blast my music.
9:45AM: Arrive at work and get ready to open: unlock doors, turn on demos and open sign, clock into computer system, tidy up, review inventory, check work email and other emails and sign-in sites.
10:00AM-7:00PM: WORK. This consists of all duties: cleaning and tidying, managing and adding inventory, signing up people for contracts, answering the phone, answering questions, reading and sending emails, reviewing new device trainings and demos, customer call-outs, mailing offers and coupons, and occasionally surfing the web during down times. I eat lunch whenever I get hungry IF I made one or if have enough money to order something or get gas station food. Lately it’s hectic scanning, removing, and adding inventory in order to prepare for closing the current location and moving to a larger location, which will also add another 30 minutes (15 there and 15 back) to my daily commute starting Monday.
7:02PM: Drive home from work. Brain fried and exhausted and most often hungry as well.
7:25PM: Arrive at home. Shower and change clothes. Make or order dinner. Get out laptop and sign into school website and do homework.
9:00PM: Sometimes homework takes me this long, shorter, or even longer to complete. It varies but on average I’m free by 9pm. I usually pop in a movie and relax on the couch. Though sometimes (budget and friends permitting, which isn’t often) I’ll go out and find something to do. Or I write. It’s basically my little bit of ME time.
12:00AM-1:00AM: I’ll usually head to the bedroom about this time with my boyfriend and get ready for bed. Change into comfy clothes, turn on Nick at Nite on low volume and set TV timer for 90 minutes, and cuddle until we fall asleep.
There are a few variations to this schedule. Such as Sundays I have off and usually try to designate more focused time on homework and cleaning house. Lately I’ve been also visiting my dad and my brother at their house. Wednesdays I have off but still get up at 9am (usually) to drive 40 minutes to a gym JUST because they offer Kickboxing and cardio and work out classes. NO GYM NEAR ME OFFERS CLASSES. I also use Wednesdays for business day errands and phone calls (school, work, bank, doctor, etc). Thursdays is my payday but I don’t get done with work until AFTER the bank closes so I usually have to get up extra early on Fridays to deposit (my job doesn’t offer direct depositing). Otherwise, I’d have to wait until Sunday (which most banks are closed) or the following Wednesday and when a person lives paycheck-to-paycheck, like myself, that’s not always practical to wait that long. Also, there’s unexpected things that like to pop up occasionally like work-related errands on my days off to help out, picking up my boyfriend from work or taking him to work before I head off, 8PM grocery trips, etc, etc.
I know there are many, many people with busier schedules which include children and no self relaxation time. But this is a FULL schedule for me right now. Next year after our lease is up, my boyfriend and I are hoping to be making a little better incomes, won’t need a roommate and will be moving to another town. This prospective town (I’ve already checked) has a couple gyms that offer classes, has a Wal Mart so my boyfriend can just transfer working as management to another store if he likes, I’ll still be the same distance from my current work place but I’ll have other career and internship opportunities for the career that I do want. Such busy lives and busy plans we have...but hopeful and aspiring dreams.
Love Always and Forever,
Shy Lee Zephyr
Monday, June 8, 2009
Sun Go Away, the Rain Nymph Wants to Play!
I feel my mysterious dreamer side yearning to emerge. While I’ve developed a strong love affair to sunlight these days, rain still manages to stir up my soul. And I’m not talking about a light sprinkle; I’m referring to the dark brooding clouds blanketing the sky and hovering low because they’re weighed down, tree branches violently slashing in the wind, a fury of rain drops pounding the pavement and bouncing back upwards, and puddles splashing everywhere. My romantic fantasies are coercing me to strip myself of the tight business attire and shoes and run out into the pouring madness in a feverish and delighted frenzy. What adoration and yearning I feel! I almost feel compelled to oblige, instead I’m quite distraught towards my stubborn and collected reserve right now. As Sharon told Holly in P.S. I Love You, “Losing your mind is not a luxury for the middle class.” Well said and so unfair. Passion flickers in my eyes like cackles of lightning, and rather than embracing it I must hide it behind dark wisps of clouds or force the dawn.
I find myself torn between extremes and opposites quite often. I wonder if it’s just the nature of things and life, or if it’s just me. Sometimes, I’m in a hurry to grow up. I daydream and wish to be engaged, to get married, have children, have the career I want already jump-started, and own a home among other grown-up desires. I incessantly worry and plan for the future. It’s quite sickening and exhausting really. But then on the other hand, I want to travel, engage in flirty eye contact with a cute and mysterious foreign stranger, make love in a swanky or tacky hotel room, kiss for hours on a front porch trying to say goodbye to my passionate lover while heat lightning ignites the sky, dance in the rain, cuddle in a sleeping bag in the bed of a truck lost in the middle of nowhere surrounded by vast flatland and hovered by a blanket of endless stars. I want to bathe in the ocean, get a high from the musty scented shelves of old library books, return to high school days of sneaking out and football games and late night phone calls and sleepovers and the sounds of my dad yelling and my dog barking as friends come over to lie with me in the damp grass. I want to rid myself of worries and responsibilities; I want my freedom back! The weird thing is whether I’m wishing for the past or planning for the future, I’m never quite content to be where I am. But then how am I to be content right now? Busting my butt in school and in work trying to pay the bills and squeezing every penny in hopes of obtaining a couple luxuries here and there isn’t my ideal arrangement. Though I suppose hindsight will reveal all the delicacies of this era in time.
Are we as the human species meant to be so complex? Or do we complicate things ourselves and the universe is really and essentially simple? A maddening thought. Perhaps it is just me. The question I can’t rid myself of is whether that is a good thing or if that means I’m a sick and deranged individual. I go through phases where I’ve convinced myself of either answer. In addition to never being content, I notice that what I claim to despise or detest I secretly semi-love. For instance I say that I don’t like to argue and I really dislike “drama” (otherwise known as potentially-detrimental spontaneous happenings or occurrences which may or may not be caused maliciously by other people). While arguments or drama stress me out or anger or frustrate me, I do like to debate and I do like the attention, the challenge, and the fact that it adds a point of interest or amusement making life less dull. In a way, I enjoy the bad happenings in life maybe even more than the good things. I not only learn from it but it makes me feel alive. Sounds sick, eh?
It’s even small things. Here’s a rather good example: I consider myself to be a person with stronger moral fiber than most. There are certain words or pools of thought I find to be degrading and distasteful. However, put some of those vulgar words or thoughts in a song sticky with a crude yet catchy beat and I can’t help but kind of fall in love with it. Most people would say, “Yea I can dance to it but I don’t really care for the lyrics!” Which, I could say that but it would be a lie. Because yes I do love it because I can dance to it, yet even though I don’t agree with the message of the lyrics I strangely admire them too. I admire that a person can say (or sing) and believe those things no matter how taboo it may seem or be. It’s exactly what “they” (whoever “they” may be, I’m never sure when people refer to “them”) say: To hate or beat something, you kind of have to be in love with it or at least admire it. Hmm….
The funny thing is I don’t mind being a paradox most days. In fact, I embrace that I shade together the good and bad as if it were all one of the same. It makes me feel alive and appreciative. The only thing I grow weary of is the future doesn’t seem to be arriving fast enough…yet some days it’s speeding on too fast. Much like today. Today instead of being stuck at work barred indoors, I wish to be a dancing rain nymph, who happens to catch the eye of a lovely stranger….
Love Always and Forever,
Shy Lee Zephyr
(Photo Borrowed from a6wischmeyer at Photobucket.com)
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Waving and Shouting!
Hello Blog World!!! I feel like I've walked through the magical wardrobe into Narnia! This blog thing is totally new to me and skimming through some already existing blogs I just get a tingle of excitement. What a fantastical world this blogging thing is! So many thoughts, dreams, opinions, and worlds colliding in one place! Ah, sweet freedom of expression!
While it's usually custom in most settings to introduce yourself when you're new, I feel introductions can be quite boring. Not only that but how I am I supposed to tell you all about me in one little splurge? You probably wouldn't even remember most of what I'd say on a first encounter anyway. It takes time to know people. SOOOOO...if you really want an introduction all you have to do is look at my profile to get a generalized idea of who I am or search for me on Facebook or Myspace. I'd suggest searching for me by email: shyleezephyr313@gmail.com rather than by my name. I assume there's many Stephanie Johnson's in the world!
OKAY: So I lied a little. I am familiar with the blogs on Myspace and I've been guilty of posting excessive Facebook notes. BUT, this blog experience is truly new to me. I've never really blogged for the sake of blogging--if that makes any sense! I guess you could say I didn't really think of the Myspace/Facebook stuff as blogs; more of an online journal shared with friends. I don't know if that's the same thing but I shall find out!
So, I decided to try a BLOG for a couple reasons. One: I love writing. It's my passion; my second love. I'm actually in school currently pursuing my degree in Communications. (The Communications degree offers me the versatility to go into writing, publishing, photography, or all 3 or anything along those lines!). Two: While I write mainly for me because it's MY passion and gives ME pleasure, there's a certain satisfaction that comes with writing for an audience. I like to write to share, get feedback, and/or make a difference. What can you expect from my blog? Anything! I plan to use this space for poetry, fiction stories, rants, essays, ideals, laughs...basically, whatever I feel like writing! I'll have some intent or meaning behind most posts so don't worry I won't bore you by just writing only about the weather or such!
Well, I wanted to skip a lengthy introduction post and just basically wave and shout so you know I'm here!! Hope to hear from you all soon. Keep in touch and keep reading!
While it's usually custom in most settings to introduce yourself when you're new, I feel introductions can be quite boring. Not only that but how I am I supposed to tell you all about me in one little splurge? You probably wouldn't even remember most of what I'd say on a first encounter anyway. It takes time to know people. SOOOOO...if you really want an introduction all you have to do is look at my profile to get a generalized idea of who I am or search for me on Facebook or Myspace. I'd suggest searching for me by email: shyleezephyr313@gmail.com rather than by my name. I assume there's many Stephanie Johnson's in the world!
OKAY: So I lied a little. I am familiar with the blogs on Myspace and I've been guilty of posting excessive Facebook notes. BUT, this blog experience is truly new to me. I've never really blogged for the sake of blogging--if that makes any sense! I guess you could say I didn't really think of the Myspace/Facebook stuff as blogs; more of an online journal shared with friends. I don't know if that's the same thing but I shall find out!
So, I decided to try a BLOG for a couple reasons. One: I love writing. It's my passion; my second love. I'm actually in school currently pursuing my degree in Communications. (The Communications degree offers me the versatility to go into writing, publishing, photography, or all 3 or anything along those lines!). Two: While I write mainly for me because it's MY passion and gives ME pleasure, there's a certain satisfaction that comes with writing for an audience. I like to write to share, get feedback, and/or make a difference. What can you expect from my blog? Anything! I plan to use this space for poetry, fiction stories, rants, essays, ideals, laughs...basically, whatever I feel like writing! I'll have some intent or meaning behind most posts so don't worry I won't bore you by just writing only about the weather or such!
Well, I wanted to skip a lengthy introduction post and just basically wave and shout so you know I'm here!! Hope to hear from you all soon. Keep in touch and keep reading!
Much Love,
XOXOXOX
Shy Lee Zephyr
XOXOXOX
Shy Lee Zephyr
P.S. I'm aware I said my name is Stephanie Johnson, however as I've stated earlier there's a billion of 'em! So call me Shy Lee Zephyr, or Shy, or Lee, or Zephyr, or any combination of that name: whatever you're comfortable with! TTYL
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