Pensive, Sensitive and Elizabethtown

I’ve been finding myself in a pensive mood more often than not these days. Not that I’m complaining. I’m going to reveal some deep secrets with you, so I hope you’re ready to share and to feel. I love writing (that’s not the secret). I love it because I can say and feel whatever I want, and if I choose I can either share it or keep it to myself. Paper and ink have become my most cherished possessions. I love how personal it is. I love how thoughts can tangle and weave and tell a story or stray off topic. It’s just making a piece of you more tangible. Whether you share it or keep it to yourself, you know a little more about yourself.

Anyway, yes, you’re probably waiting for my secret. Once upon a time in the depths and woes of teenage life, I had wanted to end it all. The strangest sensation is to imagine your own death. It was frightening but thinking of my pain inside that never seemed to go away and enduring that for a long time seemed frightening too. What if I just ran away? It would still haunt me no matter where I go…the only solution would be to end the pain altogether. I’m not sure what exactly brought me out of that stupid way of thinking…writing was probably my best therapy. That, and fear. I just kept thinking of the word: permanence. This isn’t something I can do to prove a point or just escape for a little while; this is something I can’t change my mind about and undo tomorrow once it’s been done. So the idea resorted itself to nighttime mind wanderings, and didn’t really surface otherwise. And life just sort of happened.

I’ve never been a religious or spiritual person in my life. My family has never gone to church, I’ve never really read the Bible or anything either. In fact, I remember when I moved to the smaller town where I live now and it was the strangest thing! Everyone (I mean EVERYONE!) goes to church on Sundays (Wednesdays too), and gets baptized and/or confirmed. (I never knew what confirmation was before). There are even lots of kids who attend parochial schools. Even in the public school I was attending, my English teachers made constant references to Bible stories and passages that I knew nothing about and had to poke the person next to me and ask. All I had ever known was this strange vagueness called God that people once in awhile referred or swore to, and nothing about Christ except that he resided in churches on crosses and certainly nothing about the Holy Spirit. I’m still not entirely certain what I believe in these days, but I do know more than before. And I pray much more too.

I think I do believe in some sort of higher power though; and it doesn’t matter what or who you want to call it. I don’t know how I’ve gained this new perspective but I have it. I used to only see the bad things, I’m not sure why. Why do we concentrate so hard only on the things that go wrong? Well, I’m not sure how but I’ve opened my eyes to see beyond that. Even when I’m mad and frustrated, or sad, and nothing is going right and no one can help me, there’s just always that little something. It’s so tiny that you really have to be paying attention. Or maybe it’s so big and always there that we just take it for granted and forget? Perhaps a little of both. Just something inexplicable and extraordinary.

Sometimes, I try to remind myself of the bigger picture and be thankful for what I have. I have a wonderful boyfriend, great friends, a loving family, a place to sleep, food to eat, air to breathe: I’m after all ALIVE! To put that into a bit of perspective, as Charlie Bartlett put it: “Well, see, that's my whole point. I mean you could've been born a single cell organism on the planet Zortex. In fact, given the odds, it's probably more likely, but you weren't. You we're born a human being. And not just any human being in the history of human beings, but a human being that gets to be alive today. That gets to listen to all kinds of music, that gets to eat food from every culture, that gets to download porn off the internet. So really, you have everything to live for.” Or as Darius Rucker says in his new song, Alright: “’Cause I've got a roof over my head, the woman I love laying in my bed. And it's alright, alright. I've got shoes under my feet, Forever in her eyes staring back at me. And it's alright, alright. And I've got all I need. And it's alright by me.”

When thinking of the bigger picture doesn’t help I look for tiny miracles. I am a firm believer that miracles happen every day. For instance when I see or hear from a person I was just thinking about or missing deeply, that is a miracle to me. It makes my day a heck of a lot better! Or when I’m feeling sorry for myself and I come across movies like Charlie Bartlett or Elizabethtown that not only put things into perspective for me, it’s exactly what I needed. (By the way I just got done watching Elizabethtown for the first time and it’s now one of my new favorite movies. WATCH IT!) I need to know that I’m not alone; I need to be reminded that life is a gift and that it’s all about love. When I come across the perfect movie, or song on the radio, I think, “How did the universe know I needed to see or hear this at this precise moment?” There has to be something out there listening to our prayers and our struggles. Other little miracles consist of anything unexpected that brightens your day which you just know the universe has delivered to you personally at your moment of need. For instance, my boyfriend is not very good at expressing his emotions (and he’s with a girl that has an overabundance of them and likes to share them all the time!). He often doesn’t know what to say or do when I’m in some state of emotional need. I get so frustrated sometimes and wonder, “Why doesn’t he know what to say? Why can’t he just say what I need to hear?!” And when I’m staring at him all teary eyed and he just looks at me with a sober face, I feel maybe he just doesn’t understand and why did I think this could work? I asked him today, “Do you think I’m difficult to be with?” He said, “No.” I asked, “Why not?” and listed reasons why he should otherwise. He simply just said, “Because I know I can be difficult to be with some days too.” Basically letting me know it’s two-sided and that he’s putting his all into it. Simple and truthful. And even though he’s silent most times and just holds me, I think I have exactly what I need. I don’t need to hear flowery words. I just need the simple and pure truth, and someone who loves and understands me for who I am. And he’s just perfect in an imperfect way.

It’s strange how the real beauty hides itself within truth. Discovering it is even more wonderful, like a rose unfolding in front of your eyes. That’s what life is about: truth, beauty, love and connection. Everything else doesn’t matter because it’s all superficial and fades away into the next moment, lost forever. All that matters is that you love deeply and laugh loudly because all you leave with is love and memories and that’s also, coincidentally, the only thing worthwhile that you leave behind…

Love Always and Forever,

Shy Lee Zephyr