Sun Go Away, the Rain Nymph Wants to Play!

I feel my mysterious dreamer side yearning to emerge. While I’ve developed a strong love affair to sunlight these days, rain still manages to stir up my soul. And I’m not talking about a light sprinkle; I’m referring to the dark brooding clouds blanketing the sky and hovering low because they’re weighed down, tree branches violently slashing in the wind, a fury of rain drops pounding the pavement and bouncing back upwards, and puddles splashing everywhere. My romantic fantasies are coercing me to strip myself of the tight business attire and shoes and run out into the pouring madness in a feverish and delighted frenzy. What adoration and yearning I feel! I almost feel compelled to oblige, instead I’m quite distraught towards my stubborn and collected reserve right now. As Sharon told Holly in P.S. I Love You, “Losing your mind is not a luxury for the middle class.” Well said and so unfair. Passion flickers in my eyes like cackles of lightning, and rather than embracing it I must hide it behind dark wisps of clouds or force the dawn.

I find myself torn between extremes and opposites quite often. I wonder if it’s just the nature of things and life, or if it’s just me. Sometimes, I’m in a hurry to grow up. I daydream and wish to be engaged, to get married, have children, have the career I want already jump-started, and own a home among other grown-up desires. I incessantly worry and plan for the future. It’s quite sickening and exhausting really. But then on the other hand, I want to travel, engage in flirty eye contact with a cute and mysterious foreign stranger, make love in a swanky or tacky hotel room, kiss for hours on a front porch trying to say goodbye to my passionate lover while heat lightning ignites the sky, dance in the rain, cuddle in a sleeping bag in the bed of a truck lost in the middle of nowhere surrounded by vast flatland and hovered by a blanket of endless stars. I want to bathe in the ocean, get a high from the musty scented shelves of old library books, return to high school days of sneaking out and football games and late night phone calls and sleepovers and the sounds of my dad yelling and my dog barking as friends come over to lie with me in the damp grass. I want to rid myself of worries and responsibilities; I want my freedom back! The weird thing is whether I’m wishing for the past or planning for the future, I’m never quite content to be where I am. But then how am I to be content right now? Busting my butt in school and in work trying to pay the bills and squeezing every penny in hopes of obtaining a couple luxuries here and there isn’t my ideal arrangement. Though I suppose hindsight will reveal all the delicacies of this era in time.

Are we as the human species meant to be so complex? Or do we complicate things ourselves and the universe is really and essentially simple? A maddening thought. Perhaps it is just me. The question I can’t rid myself of is whether that is a good thing or if that means I’m a sick and deranged individual. I go through phases where I’ve convinced myself of either answer. In addition to never being content, I notice that what I claim to despise or detest I secretly semi-love. For instance I say that I don’t like to argue and I really dislike “drama” (otherwise known as potentially-detrimental spontaneous happenings or occurrences which may or may not be caused maliciously by other people). While arguments or drama stress me out or anger or frustrate me, I do like to debate and I do like the attention, the challenge, and the fact that it adds a point of interest or amusement making life less dull. In a way, I enjoy the bad happenings in life maybe even more than the good things. I not only learn from it but it makes me feel alive. Sounds sick, eh?

It’s even small things. Here’s a rather good example: I consider myself to be a person with stronger moral fiber than most. There are certain words or pools of thought I find to be degrading and distasteful. However, put some of those vulgar words or thoughts in a song sticky with a crude yet catchy beat and I can’t help but kind of fall in love with it. Most people would say, “Yea I can dance to it but I don’t really care for the lyrics!” Which, I could say that but it would be a lie. Because yes I do love it because I can dance to it, yet even though I don’t agree with the message of the lyrics I strangely admire them too. I admire that a person can say (or sing) and believe those things no matter how taboo it may seem or be. It’s exactly what “they” (whoever “they” may be, I’m never sure when people refer to “them”) say: To hate or beat something, you kind of have to be in love with it or at least admire it. Hmm….

The funny thing is I don’t mind being a paradox most days. In fact, I embrace that I shade together the good and bad as if it were all one of the same. It makes me feel alive and appreciative. The only thing I grow weary of is the future doesn’t seem to be arriving fast enough…yet some days it’s speeding on too fast. Much like today. Today instead of being stuck at work barred indoors, I wish to be a dancing rain nymph, who happens to catch the eye of a lovely stranger….

Love Always and Forever,

Shy Lee Zephyr

(Photo Borrowed from a6wischmeyer at Photobucket.com)